[Neurons] 2020 Neurons #15 COPING WITH EMOTIONS-- IN THE CURRENT CRISIS

Sun Mar 29 23:15:40 EDT 2020

From: L. Michael Hall 

2020 Neurons #15

March 30, 2020

For Anyone Dealing with Strong

Troubling Emotions in the Current Crisis

USING META-STATES

FOR COPING WITH EMOTIONS

Robert Dilts recently wrote an excellent article, Holding Difficult
Feelings, and offered it to the NLP Leadership Summit for how to deal with
the difficult emotions that many people are experiencing now with the
coronavirus.   The pattern corresponds very closely with the Meta-Stating
Troubling Emotions that we do in APG.  Because of that and because he used
Meta-States in his article (although not acknowledged as such), and because
many people are struggling with difficult and troubling emotions, I am
presenting this long piece.

What follows is what I would consider a Meta-State Pattern even though
Robert has not studied Meta-States (as far as I know) and never mentions
meta-states in this article.  Congratulations Robert!  He talks about "first
feeling," "feelings about feelings," applies a lot of feelings to other
feelings, and utilizes a lot of meta-linguistics.

Structurally, to see the Meta-States Model within this pattern I have added
my comments in bold print and I have italicized the words that refer to
states and meta-states.  I conclude with a brief description of the basic
Meta-Stating process,

Extra: Because I suspect that some will want to see the original article by
Robert Dilts, I have put that after the structural analysis.  Then you would
like to compare it to the Meta-Stating Troubling Emotions pattern, it is
here also. 

Structural Analysis of "Holding Difficult Emotions"

Robert writes (second paragraph):

Family therapist Virginia Satir used to frequently ask her clients two
questions. The first was, "How do you feel?" (A primary question, primary
state)  A client might respond to this question by answering that he or she
felt angry, sad, afraid, guilty, or some other type of difficult feeling
(primary state- states about something in the world). Then Virginia would
ask a second question: "How do you feel about feeling that way?" (A
meta-question, a meta-state about the first state).

The answer to this second question is quite significant and determines a lot
about the impact and meaning the answer to the first question will have. It
is quite a difference if someone feels calm or curious (meta-state) about
feeling angry (primary state) than if that person feels guilty or frustrated
(meta-state)  about feeling angry. It is these second feelings (meta-state)
that determine the ease and quality with which we are able to stay present
and hold the first set of feelings. Here we have positive +meta-states
versus -negative meta-states.

This same dynamic occurs with respect to our relationship with our own
feelings. When we are fearful of them and refuse or fight them, (negative
meta-states structure), we actually increase our degree of contraction,
reaction, disconnection and discomfort. As it has been pointed out, "What
you resist persists." When we can acknowledge and hold those feelings
(meta-state) with centeredness, openness, awareness and connection,
(meta-state resources to apply to primary state) they are no longer a
"problem" and their energy can either be released or transformed into a more
resourceful expression.  The following qualities are helpful for holding
difficult feelings: 

List of meta-level resource states

 non-reactivity   unconditional acceptance of the feeling exactly as it is
 no agenda to change anything about the feeling  patience, taking time 
unwavering attention to the feeling  trust that all is well as it is, that
the feeling has a positive intention and purpose  a sense of being held in
a field greater than oneself  kindness toward the feeling  a non-intrusive
curiosity about the feeling 

As Virginia Satir demonstrated, it is also useful to identify and
acknowledge (+ meta-state) unresourceful feelings or attitudes (primary
states) about the difficult feelings. In this way, these feelings about the
difficult feelings can also be included, transcended and held (meta-state
structures)  from a larger and more resourceful field of awareness. Such
responses to the difficult feeling can include: 

List of negative meta-stating:

 wanting it to go away   wanting it to be different, to change  analyzing
or explaining it  identifying with it (getting lost in it) 

The next paragraph: 

It is important to realize that the second feeling (meta-state) is as much a
part of the problem state as the first feeling (primary state). If we are
not aware of this, we may find ourselves aligning with the second feeling
(meta-state) to try to get rid of the first feeling.  

Pattern: Gathering the Resources Necessary to Hold Difficult Patterns

The purpose of this exercise is to help you discover and apply the resources
you need to stay present and hold difficult feelings that may arise and take
you out of the present. 

              1) Identify primary state of difficult feeling- a troubling
emotion.

1. Identify a challenging situation in which you experience a difficult
feeling that you are not able to hold and, consequently, brings you into an
unresourceful state. Experience that feeling and the associated sensations
and allow your body to express it as gesture or movement. Bring
acknowledgement and awareness (meta-states) to the feelings and sensations
without any attempt to change, analyze or explain them.  

2) Meta-state by stepping back for reflection.  Access observation state.

2. Step back from the location in which you were experiencing this difficult
feeling and reflect upon the you who is experiencing the difficult feelings
(meta-state of reflection about self). How do you feel about those difficult
feelings? How do you feel about yourself for feeling them? (Meta-Questions)
What is your relationship with those feelings and with yourself when you are
feeling them? There may be a number of feelings about the first feeling
(shame, guilt, despair, anger, helplessness, etc.) (primary states).  Allow
your body to express these feelings as a gesture or movement as well. As in
the previous step, bring acknowledgement and awareness (meta-states) to
these feelings and sensations without judgment or any attempt to change
them. 

3) Meta-state second time to interrupt, access, and set frame.

3. Now step back to a third location, shift your state by turning around,
moving your body (interrupt), shaking your arms and legs, etc. Take the time
necessary to put yourself into a resourceful state in which you are
centered, open, awake and connected to a field of resources that is bigger
than you (access a +meta-state). What resources (e.g., trust, acceptance,
curiosity, strength, love, etc.) could help you to more lovingly,
respectfully and resourcefully hold the second set of feelings? (Set frame
with these meta-states.)  Open to the larger field (meta-state of
perspective) and allow yourself to receive the resources without thinking
about it. Notice what emerges from the field. It may come in the form of
images, symbols, feelings, etc. 

              4) Appropriate the meta-state and apply to primary state.

5. Bring the resources that have emerged from the field fully into your body
and being (apply meta-states).  (If you need to, you can facilitate this by
finding reference experiences for these resources and reliving them as fully
as you can.) Find a symbol and a gesture or movement (somatic model) that
expresses these resources and brings them present in your body (meta-states
of a metaphor) . Allow the energy of these resources to flow fully through
you both from the field and into the field around you. 

5) Apply the meta-state to the primary state.

6. With these resources fully present in your body, return to the second
location (the feelings about the feelings) (meta-states). Don't attempt to
change anything. Just hold the feelings and responses associated with the
second location within the larger field of the resources. Make the gesture
and movement associated with the resources you have received in the previous
step (a meta-state anchor). Notice what shifts in your perception and
attitude toward the second set of feelings (meta-state of observation).

6) Hold the meta-states as the new frame of reference.

7. Now step into the location in which you placed the original difficult
feelings and bring with you the resources you have identified (apply
meta-state) . Again, don't attempt to change anything. Just hold the
difficult feelings and responses within the larger field of the resources.
Make the gesture and movement associated with the resources you have
received. How do you feel now about those difficult feelings? What changes
in your ability to be with those difficult feelings.

THE BASIC META-STATING PATTERN

The process of meta-stating is actually simple- accessing a thought or
emotion and apply it to another state (i.e., thought, emotion, or
physiology).  Short and quick: Access and apply.  With accessing you may
need to amplify to get enough energy in the state.  Within applying is
appropriating to life contexts and analyzing to quality control the end
result and effects.

1) Access a resource state.

What resource state do you want to bring to bear on or apply to the primary
state?     

A "resource" can be a thought, feeling, idea, belief, value, memory,
imagination.

2) Amplify fully and anchor. 

Juice up the resource state and establish an anchor for it by touch, sight,
sound, word, etc.

              Do you have a sufficiently strong enough state with which to
work?

3) Apply to the primary state.

Bring the resource to bear on the primary state (this creates meta-level
anchoring), or embed the primary state inside a resource state. 

4) Appropriate to your life, to specific contexts, or to the future (future
pacing).

Where do you want to experience this meta-state?

Imagine having this layered consciousness in your mind as your frame as you
move out into your future.

5) Analyze the quality, health, balance (ecology) of the system.

Would it enhance your life to set this resource as your frame-of-reference
for the primary state experience?  

Would every facet of your mind-and-body align with this? 

Original Article

Holding Difficult Feelings 

By Robert Dilts 

This being human is a guest house  Every morning a new arrival.  A joy, a
depression, a meanness,  some momentary awareness comes  as an unexpected
visitor.  Welcome and entertain them all!  Even if they are a crowd of
sorrows,  who violently sweep your house  empty of its furniture,  still
treat each guest honorably.  He may be clearing you out for some new
delight.  The dark thought, the shame, the malice,  meet them at the door
laughing,  and invite them in.  Be grateful for whoever comes,  because each
has been sent  as a guide from beyond. - Rumi 

Transformational teacher Richard Moss points out that the distance between
ourselves and others is precisely the distance between ourselves and
ourselves. This implies that the way we relate to others and to the world
around us is a mirror for how we relate to ourselves. It is from this
fundamental relationship with ourselves that our relationships with others
and the external world emerge. This self-to-self relationship is frequently
limited by those feelings that we don't know how to meet, accept, hold and
love in ourselves. 

Family therapist Virginia Satir used to frequently ask her clients two
questions. The first was, "How do you feel?" A client might respond to this
question by answering that he or she felt angry, sad, afraid, guilty, or
some other type of difficult feeling. Then Virginia would ask a second
question: "How do you feel about feeling that way?" The answer to this
second question is quite significant and determines a lot about the impact
and meaning the answer to the first question will have. It is quite a
difference if someone feels calm or curious about feeling angry than if that
person feels guilty or frustrated about feeling angry. It is these second
feelings that determine the ease and quality with which we are able to stay
present and hold the first set of feelings. 

Most of us learn to hold ourselves and each other depending on how we
ourselves were held. Psychologist Donald Winnicott developed the notion of
"holding environments." This refers to the way a child is held physically,
emotionally and psychologically by its primary caretakers. The child in
response and reaction to this holding environment then learns to hold itself
in ways that unconsciously reproduce the deeply familiar holding environment
of infancy and early childhood. Research also indicates that the way a baby
is held in the womb influences the way it learns to relate with itself and
the world later in life. It can be useful to learn to hold ourselves and our
own feelings in a way that may be more resourceful than the way we
originally learned.  

"Holding" implies a relationship between two things: the thing holding and
the thing being held. The metaphorical image of a mother holding a baby can
help us to envision this relationship. The baby represents the primary
somatic feeling, sensation or reaction that we are experiencing. The mother
represents the response of the rest of our nervous system to this primary
response. 

If a baby is crying and the mother becomes tense, angry or nervous, the baby
is likely to experience even more distress. If the mother is able to hold
the baby from a state of nurturing support, the baby is more likely to be
calmed by that presence (via mirror neurons) and move through the discomfort
in a flowing way. This same dynamic occurs with respect to our relationship
with our own feelings. When we are fearful of them and refuse or fight them,
we actually increase our degree of contraction, reaction, disconnection and
discomfort. As it has been pointed out, "What you resist persists." When we
can acknowledge and hold those feelings with centeredness, openness,
awareness and connection, they are no longer a "problem" and their energy
can either be released or transformed into a more resourceful expression. 

The following qualities are helpful for holding difficult feelings: 

               non-reactivity  

               unconditional acceptance of the feeling exactly as it is 

               no agenda to change anything about the feeling 

               patience, taking time 

               unwavering attention to the feeling 

               trust that all is well as it is, that the feeling has a
positive intention and purpose 

               a sense of being held in a field greater than oneself 

               kindness toward the feeling 

               a non-intrusive curiosity about the feeling 

As Virginia Satir demonstrated, it is also useful to identify and
acknowledge unresourceful feelings or attitudes about the difficult
feelings. In this way, these feelings about the difficult feelings can also
be included, transcended and held from a larger and more resourceful field
of awareness. Such responses to the difficult feeling can include: 

               wanting it to go away  

               wanting it to be different, to change 

               analyzing or explaining it 

               identifying with it (getting lost in it) 

It is important to realize that the second feeling is as much a part of the
problem state as the first feeling. If we are not aware of this, we may find
ourselves aligning with the second feeling to try to get rid of the first
feeling.  When we don't know how to be with a feeling, we want it to go
away. 

In summary, our difficult feelings, like a baby in distress, need more than
anything else to be held. Through this holding, the feelings, like the baby,
transform from a state of contraction and a sense of separation to
relaxation and a sense of connection. Thus it is not a question of getting
rid of difficult feelings, but rather of relating to them in a way that
allows them to transform. The energy of the difficult feeling is then
released back into the flow of our lives. We recuperate the energy that was
previously spent in avoiding meeting the difficult feeling, allowing us to
be more fully present with even more of ourselves available to engage in the
present moment.   

Gathering the Resources Necessary to Hold Difficult Feelings 

The purpose of this exercise is to help you discover and apply the resources
you need to stay present and hold difficult feelings that may arise and take
you out of the present. 

1. Identify a challenging situation in which you experience a difficult
feeling that you are not able to hold and, consequently, brings you into an
unresourceful state. Experience that feeling and the associated sensations
and allow your body to express it as gesture or movement. Bring
acknowledgement and awareness to the feelings and sensations without any
attempt to change, analyze or explain them.  

2. Step back from the location in which you were experiencing this difficult
feeling and reflect upon the you who is experiencing the difficult feelings.
How do you feel about those difficult feelings? How do you feel about
yourself for feeling them? What is your relationship with those feelings and
with yourself when you are feeling them? There may be a number of feelings
about the first feeling (shame, guilt, despair, anger, helplessness, etc.).
Allow your body to express these feelings as a gesture or movement as well.
As in the previous step, bring acknowledgement and awareness to these
feelings and sensations without judgment or any attempt to change them. 

3. Now step back to a third location, shift your state by turning around,
moving your body, shaking your arms and legs, etc. Take the time necessary
to put yourself into a resourceful state in which you are centered, open,
awake and connected to a field of resources that is bigger than you. What
resources (e.g., trust, acceptance, curiosity, strength, love, etc.) could
help you to more lovingly, respectfully and resourcefully hold the second
set of feelings? Open to the larger field and allow yourself to receive the
resources without thinking about it. Notice what emerges from the field. It
may come in the form of images, symbols, feelings, etc. 

5. Bring the resources that have emerged from the field fully into your body
and being. (If you need to, you can facilitate this by finding reference
experiences for these resources and reliving them as fully as you can.) Find
a symbol and a gesture or movement (somatic model) 

Diagram

                                          First Feeling How Do You Feel?

                                          Second Feeling(s) - How Do You
Feel About Feeling That Way?

                                          What Resource Do You Need To Hold
The Second Feeling(s)? 

                                          Inner Zone of Excellence

that expresses these resources and brings them present in your body. Allow
the energy of these resources to flow fully through you both from the field
and into the field around you. 

6. With these resources fully present in your body, return to the second
location (the feelings about the feelings). Don't attempt to change
anything. Just hold the feelings and responses associated with the second
location within the larger field of the resources. Make the gesture and
movement associated with the resources you have received in the previous
step. Notice what shifts in your perception and attitude toward the second
set of feelings. 

7. Now step into the location in which you placed the original difficult
feelings and bring with you the resources you have identified. Again, don't
attempt to change anything. Just hold the difficult feelings and responses
within the larger field of the resources. Make the gesture and movement
associated with the resources you have received. How do you feel now about
those difficult feelings? What changes in your ability to be with those
difficult feelings? 

META-STATING TROUBLING EMOTIONS

When you bring negative emotional energy against yourself, you put yourself
at odds with yourself.  You have put yourself in self-attack!   This turns
your psychological energies against yourself in destructive ways and it will
diminish you.  This generally creates "dragon states."  Use this pattern for
handling emotions that trouble you, positive or negative.  This gives us an
art of handling emotions effectively and intelligently.

Distinctions:

           An emotion is the difference between your mapping of the world
and how you experience the territory of the world.

           Emotions give signals and messages about that difference between
map and territory.

           Yet emotions are just emotions and not commands, and not
infallible orders.

           You manage your emotions well when you accept them and use them
for information about whether to adjust your map or improve your coping
skills.

           This pattern is about primary emotions.  If someone gives you a
meta-emotion, question it to identify the primary emotions within it.

Elicitation Questions:

What emotion occurs, appropriate to the context, but you don't like?  You
don't have a very good relationship with?

              What emotion or emotions do you try to banish from your life?

The Pattern:

1) Identify an emotional state that troubles you. 

What emotional state do you not like?  Which one can you not stand?  What
state do you hate and wish you didn't experience?  What states do you feel
as "taboo?"   

Is it appropriate to the trigger?  Realistic?  How realistic?  

If the emotion is not appropriate, what emotion would be?  

Menu list: anger, fear, disgust, sexual feelings, sensitivity,
embarrassment, sadness, etc. [Make sure the emotion is a primary emotion,
and not a meta-feeling which is actually a judgment.  Use the Concept
pattern for those.]

Describe this state.  How is this a problem?  What do you think-and-feel
about this?

2) Check your permission level with that emotion.

Quiet yourself and go inside.  Now say the words: "I give myself permission
to feel ...."   Notice your internal responses as you say these words.  What
are you aware of?  What happens?

How well does that settle inside?  How many more times do you have to give
yourself this permission before it will settle very well and be okay within
you?

Are there any objections to this permission?  If there are, what are the
objections?

[Repeat the permission incorporating the objection into the permission.]

3) Keep framing and reframing the permission so it becomes well-designed.

As you give yourself permission congruently with a resourceful voice, set
frames and reframes to the objections that set new meanings.  How does that
settle?  

              Examples:

"I give myself permission to feel anger because it allows me to recognize
things that violate my values and to take appropriate action early."

"I give myself permission to feel the tender emotions because it makes me
more fully human."

4) Add resources to qualify and texture the emotional experience. 

              What resources would you need to access in order to more fully
accept this?

Menu List: Acceptance, appreciation, calmness, patience, resilience,
curiosity, etc.

Access each and apply to the permission for a new meta-strategy.

5) Quality control the permission.

Imagine moving into tomorrow and the day after and next week and next month
with these new frames in your permission for welcoming the emotion that did
trouble you ... are you fully aligned with this?  Do you have any objection
to letting this operate as your way of being in the world?

6) Future Pace to install.  

As you imagine this, do you like this?

              Are you ready to make this yours?

Will you keep this?

              How will you remember it?

From: Secrets of Personal Mastery (1997) also from the APG Manual (Accessing
Personal Genius).

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

Executive Director, Neuro-Semantics

P.O. Box 8

Clifton CO. 81520 USA

www.neurosemantics.com   

The stunning new history of NLP--- NLP Secrets.  

Investigative Journalism which has exposed what has been kept secrets for
decades. 

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