[Neurons] 2017 Neurons #50 Accusational Conversations

Mon Nov 6 04:46:53 EST 2017

From: L. Michael Hall

2017 Neurons #50

Nov. 7, 2017

Conversations #4

ACCUSATIONAL CONVERSATIONS

There are conversations, and then there are pseudo-conversations.  They
sound like conversations, but they are not.  They are accusations.  Someone
is blaming someone or accusing someone of something and the point of the
statements and questions (if there are any legitimate questions) is to make
someone feel bad- ashamed, guilty, wrong, etc.

I became aware of this when I returned to the US the last week of October.
That's because during that week, one of the dominant ongoing conversations
in the news that week was that of sexual harassment.  It occurred after the
exposure of Harvey Weinstein and his inappropriate sexual behavior with many
women over many years.  By the time I returned home, the topic had gone
viral and it was the topic of the news media and every talk radio program. 

But the conversations about sexual harassment were not always helpful or
even intelligent.  Many were completely asinine.   After all, it is one
thing to actually assault someone and force them to have sexual relations,
it is another to say words that someone may not want to hear.  Yet some were
confusing the two.  Now from what I've read, Weinstein's sex scandal
allegedly involved physical assaults on women, grabbing them, and
blackmailing some by threatening to fire them if they didn't have sex with
him.  Obviously to do things like that is aggressive, disrespectful, and
wrong on many accounts.

But everything labeled "sexual harassment" is not sexual harassment.  It's
easy to make the accusation, just use the label.  But a word is not the
territory.  The label is not the reality.  For example, I heard one
interview on the radio with one supposed "expert" on sexual misbehavior.
She talked about a "hostile environment" in work situations where men say
such intrusive things as complimenting a woman on how she looks or what
she's wearing.  This was defined as "an aggressive sexual assault."  For
her, a compliment on looks is equal to being harassed and agree that no male
should even mention how a female is dressed.  It's off-limits.

She also mentioned one woman who had been sexually harassed to have sex with
her boss over a ten year period.  When she said that the interviewer asked
not a single question, but commented, "That is terrible!"  So let me see.  A
woman is somehow "forced" to go into some hotel room or private home or
somewhere, take off her clothes and have sex with her boss month after
month, year after year, and she has no responsibility in that, she is the
victim, she is "sexually harassed."  Apparently this is not a child or a
minor, this is a grown woman.  In fact, she has been employed in some job in
a company.  And she cannot say no?  She cannot make a report?  She cannot
quit the job?  She cannot move to another city?

When it comes to sexual misconduct, there's no question that touching
someone without their permission or "forcing" someone to have sex is wrong.
But if we are talking about words, someone saying something to someone and
trying to get that person to agree to having sex, then it is just verbal
behavior.  Nothing has actually happened, people are just talking.  And
words in and of themselves are harmless.  The word "cat" cannot scratch you.
The word "food" cannot nourish your body. The word "stupid" cannot make you
stupid.  They are just words.  Symbols.  What you do with those words in
your own head and in your mind-body system- that is the question.

So, what do you do with words?  Do you forget that they are just symbols
making references to some thing, person, event, action, etc.?  Or do you
identify with the word and use it to induce yourself into some state that is
not very resourceful for you?  Do you personalize the word and use it
against yourself, perhaps as a way to insult yourself?  Do you take a moment
to wonder, "How is this person using this word?"  "Do I want to accept this
word or will I let it stay out there as their word?"

How you use the word inside yourself determines your subsequence experience.
That's your responsibility.  That's my responsibility.  If you want to use
the uninformed, crude, and childish language of others to feel bad- go for
it.  I don't know why you would want to do that.  But that is your choice.
Or, if you want to give up trying to control the words that come out of
someone's mouth (and mind, heart, and body), then you can stay okay,
resourceful, even un-insult-able, if you so choose.

Many who think they are being "sexually harassed," are unknowingly harassing
themselves with some words that they have heard.  They are vexing, worrying,
and angering themselves with those words by playing them over and over in
their heads which, of course, keeps accessing unpleasant states of anxiety,
depression, and frustration.  But in accusing the other person of "sexually
harassing" them they are dis-empowering themselves and constructing a
problem that they cannot solve.  By giving up their own power to choose
their thoughts and responses, they are empowering (in their mind) the other
person.  Not a wise choice if you ask me.

Any subsequent "conversation" between these people will actually be a
pseudo-conversation.  If one person says, "You make me feel bad when you
talk suggestively about sexual things."  That person is giving all of her
power away, "you make me..."  If the other disagrees and tries to explain,
"I'm just playing," or "I'm trying to ask for a date," or whatever, then he
is admitting his incompetence in relating to her.  That conversation will go
nowhere.

With NLP we start by seeking first to understand the other person as we
listen and then learn to relate by matching the person's language patterns,
values, and beliefs.  We seek to understand the other on the other's terms,
not ours.  That's the way to begin any authentic conversation.  To do
otherwise is a sure formula for mis-understanding.

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

               Neuro-Semantics Executive Director 

               Neuro-Semantics International

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO. 81520 USA                             

               1 970-523-7877 

                    Dr. Hall's email:
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