[Neurons] 2015 "Neurons" Meta Reflections #40

Mon Sep 21 07:15:44 EDT 2015

From: L. Michael Hall

Meta Reflections #40

September 21, 2015

Creating Response-Able Persons #6

ISN'T IT TIME FOR TRUMP TO APOLOGIZE?

Responsible Apologizing

Some time ago in an interview, Donald Trump said that he doesn't ask for
forgiveness; he doesn't need to.  Since then he has used his media savvy
intelligence-not only saying whatever comes to his mind-but also by
seemingly intentionally saying provocative things.  Why would he do that?
Well, it certainly captures the media's attention, he gets more air time,
and by that it has given him a dominating influence in the field of the
candidates.  So it works.  It also allows him to stand out.  So unlike the
overly cautious political correctness of the others, Trump stirs things up,
gets attention, and then later offers a calmer and more reasonable
explanation.  But now he is beginning to pay a price for that. 

The price?  A call to apologize.  Several have called upon him to apologize
for various things-   for the names he has called people and for insulting
implications that he has intimated.  Yet he refuses to apologize.  In the
Republican Debate this week, when called upon to apologize, he took another
tact-he uttered very kind and complementary words to those he had formally
insulted.  He did that about Jeb Bush's wife, "I hear she is a fabulous
women."  He did that about Carly Fiorina, "She has a beautiful face."  Still
he would not apologize.   He was asked to apologize directly and explicitly,
he said he would not.  "I didn't say anything wrong."

Dictionary:  An Apology can be written or spoken as an expression of one's
regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged
another.

What's with it that a person can't utter a simple apology?  "You're right.
That was a mistake.  I'm sorry for doing that to you, I apologize for what I
did."  While I can buy that much of exaggeration and bragging of Trump is
for entertainment purposes and to get the attention of the media, and that
it does indeed set in motion a focus on him- a simple apology is also
powerful and important.   A simple apology can go a long way in healing hurt
emotions and can be the smartest thing for a person to do.  In this
instance, it would be the most politically expedient thing to do.  But he
doesn't.

That brings up the questions: "Why not?"  "What holds him and/or any other
person from doing so?"   Further, given that this is a human problem and not
particularly a political one, what stops so many people from just owning up
what they said or did, acknowledging it, and saying so?

At the heart of apologizing is recognizing and owning what one does and says
as one's own.  Actually, this is a critical aspect of being a responsible
person.  After all, this is what being responsible means and entails.
Owning your words and behaviors and accepting that they have consequences,
when you make a mistake, you say so.  When an error of thinking or judgment
occurs, you acknowledge it and do whatever you can to make things right.
This is the point of making an apology: to make things right between people.

This is important due to the obvious and ubiquitous fact: Things can go
wrong between people.  We say things that another person doesn't like, we
call names, we insult with disrespectful behaviors, and so on.  Then they
feel "hurt" about such because it violates their values and what they want
and believe in.  When people make promises and then break them, we feel
betrayed.  At that point we cannot sweep it under the rug and pretend that
we did not betray a trust, we need to own up to it.  

The power and wonder and elegance of an apology is that it enables us to
back up.  We can go back and re-do something.  We can shift into reverse
gear and then back up to un-do the path that we have traveled.  Imagine a
car without a reverse gear.  How easily you could drive into a dead-end with
no where to go.  That's not a very wise move!  With a reverse gear, you can
back up, make amends and get to start all over again.  It gives you a new
beginning.  That's what's great about an apology- you can have a new
beginning!

In claiming that he doesn't need to apologize, Donald seems to be proud of
this.  He seems proud that he doesn't have to say he is sorry for the
results or consequences of his actions or words, and that he doesn't need to
ask for forgiveness.  Yet now this is to his detriment and unless he changes
his tactics on this one, he will find himself in those dead-ends without a
way to recover.  

The power of an apology is that in acknowledging a mistake, in making amends
for a wrong, for expressing sorrow that words and/or actions which led to
misunderstandings and hurt feelings, we fail to admit that we are human-
fallible and "liable to err."  There is no virtue in trying to present
yourself as above fallibility.  Pretending to be infallible or perfect is an
illusion and, after all, who wants to be around such a person?

If you and I want to truly become a highly responsible person, it's required
that we learn how to apologize and make amends.  It takes nothing away from
a person, in fact, it adds to a person's character and quality of character.
The person is big enough to apologize, to admit a wrong, and to reverse to
make course corrections.

Another politician make that mistake decades ago.  Over an activity that was
really a little thing, a burglary in a hotel (Watergate), Nixon's big
problem was his cover-up, his refusal to own up to things.  He derailed by
the coverup, not the burglary.  Then there was Clinton and his
protestations, "I did not have sex with that woman," which dominated the
news until he admitted that he did.  It wasn't the sex that was the problem,
it was the coverup, the denials, the refusal to just simply own up to his
responsibilities.

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

               Neuro-Semantics Executive Director 

               Neuro-Semantics International

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO. 81520 USA                             

               1 970-523-7877 

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