[Neurons] 2015 "Neurons" Meta Reflections #39

Mon Sep 7 12:46:58 EDT 2015

From: L. Michael Hall

Meta Reflections #39

September 7 , 2015

Creating Response-Able Persons #4

THE ART OF RESPONSIBILITY

Is there an art in living a responsible life and stepping up to taking
responsible actions in one's life?  There is certainly a strategy- the
strategy begins with identifying, accepting, owning, and embracing your
powers (Meta Reflection #35).  It also involves recognizing the seductive
power of irresponsibility which seems to trap so many people (#38).  Here
the strategy of what to do, and the knowledge of how to do that begins to
blend into the art responsible living.  First comes the understanding and
knowledge that requires learning to recognize and avoid the irresponsibility
seduction.  At this point, you develop the competence of resisting blaming-
blaming life, others, government, parents, history, human nature, and on and
on.  And this arises when you have learned and actually practiced stepping
up to develop your innate powers.

A story.  This week I received scores of emails which were sent to the HOA
(Home Owners Association) distribution of 30 home owners in my neighborhood.
Those of us on the board had discovered that we had several unexpected
expenses with the water system, the pump house, etc. and so we went out a
letter inviting a full neighborhood meeting.  In response to the problem
that we identified, three of the emails came back, hastily written, full of
blame, accusation, and threats.  The three blamed the builder, two of them
threaten legal action, and the other was very "preachy" shouting about how
stupid all the rest of us were, unable to understand things, and guilty of
fraud!  "It stinks of fraud" one home owner wrote.

Now being on the board and having 7 hours at the Houston airport ... I
responded to each of the three persons who were heavily infected by the
virus of blame.  I framed my responses that we all need to have calm and
reasonable minds as we addressed the problem and that the task before all of
us was to first gather information about the facts before jumping to
conclusions.  It all started when the president of the association sent out
an email asking for $100 from each home-owner for some additional expenses
that arose.  You would have thought he had asked for $10,000 given the
intensity of the accusations, blaming, and insults by three of them!
Several pipes had broken and were repaired and the cost was an expense to
the HOA and whether anyone agreed with the cost or the problem, the bill was
ours and had to be paid.  As a legal entity, that's just the way it was.

But the emails were full of charges of "abuse of power," "it's not my
problem," "I didn't agree upon the person who did the repairs," "how much
longer do we have to put up with this incompetence?" "It stinks of fraud."
This is what I decided to respond to.  It wasn't that I wanted to use email
to establish the facts of the case- that is scheduled for a meeting at the
end of the month.  I mostly wanted to call attention to the process itself.
I wanted to make the point:  If this is the way we solve problems, nothing
will be solved, we will just have a shouting match.

Did that resolve things with the three blamers?  No.  Instead one decided
that I had "lectured" him about being cool and collected and who was I to do
that?!  Another wrote numerous mind-reading statements saying that I wanted
to intimidate them to be quiet and not express their opinion.  Another
charged me with trying to manipulate the upcoming meeting by forcing people
to take turns and not talk over each other- "That's pure manipulation" he
wrote.

All of this made me reflect on the theme of what is the Art of Living
Responsibly?  Here's my reflection so far:  I think the art comes in from
one's character and one's state.  Responsible people know and quickly
acknowledge when they make a mistake.  They say so.  And depending on the
circumstances, try to make things right.  Living responsibly means
recognizing that we have responsibilities that are both personal and social.
As a social being in multiple social contexts, how I conduct myself means
making responses in both dimensions.

The art of living responsibly also includes challenging and confronting.
Are we really responsible when we let bullies or big-mouths intimidate
people?  Do we not have the responsibility to help create a context or
culture where we can bring out the best in each other?

In the midst of the flurry of emails, five of the home owners chimed in.
Four were very polite and validated the points I was making about being
respectful.  One, however, "yelled" at the three blamers accusing them of
being loud and throwing an adult size tantrum.  He "yelled" on the email by
writing in ALL CAPS!  AND USING BOLD AND EXCLAMATION MARKS WHEN HE REALLY
WANTED TO MAKE A POINT!  I wrote him privately thanking him for his
intention while pointing out the contradiction-"You are blaming them for
blaming."

Two others wrote to me, saying that they appreciated my courage to stand up
to the neighbor who had threaten to sue just about everybody in the
neighborhood.  But ask, "Are you afraid he will sue you?"  When I asked,
"Are we not responsible for the quality of conversation in our community?"
he acknowledged that, "well yes, but..."  And then proceeded to say that he
was not the kind of person to do that.  He would prefer a low profile.

All of this speaks to the subject of the art of responsible living and how
we hold ourselves and others responsible for our actions.  Some seek to
escape from responsibility, some are irresponsible and blame everybody and
everything else for problems (real and imagined), and some passively accept
responsibility but out of weakness, not strength, others accept and own
responsibility as a matter of duty, and others see response-ability as a
resource and a means of changing the world.  I want to be increasingly more
in that last category.  How about you?

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

               Neuro-Semantics Executive Director 

               Neuro-Semantics International

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO. 81520 USA                             

               1 970-523-7877 

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