[Neurons] 2009 Meta Reflections #17

[L. Michael Hall]

From: L. Michael Hall

2009 Meta Reflections #17

April 20, 2009

 

 

THE SCOOP ON EGO

 

 

In the last Meta Reflection I wrote about "getting the ego out of the way,"
an under-developed ego, and in other Reflections, I've written about a
"strong sense of ego," "weak ego," and "ego-strength."  A couple readers
wrote and asked if I would write more about all of this.  A Meta-Coach from
South Africa, and one of our Team Leaders, Antoinette Ehmke insightfully
posed the following questions:

"How do we humans progress from having an 'ill-formed' ego, to developing a
'healthy ego,' and from there to getting the ego 'completely out of the
way.'  Is this a naturally occurring developmental process, or is it
something we have to choose and learn consciously?  And how does it work?"

 

I've organized my answer by making the following seven statements about ego.


 

1) First, the term "ego" is simply the Greek term for "I" or "me" or
"myself."  In this, it is a neutral term.  If you open up a Greek New
Testament, Jesus used it all the time.  "Ego eimi ho poimen ho kalos."  "I
am the good shepherd."  In itself, there's nothing negative or bad or
untoward in the term "ego."

 

2) We are all born without an ego.  We are born ego-less in that we do not
have a sense of self and don't even know that we are a "self."  Babies don't
have the mind or consciousness to know that they are separate from another,
so the differentiating process begins with birth actually takes several
years.  And when a little child ventures out into the big wide world at 3 or
5 or 7, his or her ego is weak, only in the formative stages, and so
under-developed.

 

3) We are also born without any ego-strength.  Freud defined ego-strength as
the ability to consciously face the world, to face life on life's terms
without falling apart, or caving in, or having a stress reaction of fight or
flight.  Our ego as our ability to think, understand, reason, and therefore
to choose ways of coping and eventually master the challenges of life, we
develop the inner strength so that we can handle life.  With ego-strength
comes resilience- the power to bounce back after we have been knocked down.

 

4) A healthy ego is a health sense of self.  This includes a sense of one's
value and dignity- one's self-esteem.  And this is healthiest when it is
unconditional.  It is the sense, "I am valuable, significant, and have worth
because I am a human being."  Being loved and valued unconditionally by
parents is the ideal; then later in life as an adult, you can make that same
appraisal of yourself and everyone else.  Next comes self-confidence- your
sense that you have "power" or "control" to be able to do something that you
can take pride in and that you can trust yourself to accomplish.
Self-confidence is healthiest when it is conditional- you earn it by
becoming competent in whatever area that you have developed skills to know
and do.  Next is your self-identity, your self-definition, how your define
yourself in your roles and relationships.  Here, if you accept your
fallibilities and embrace your strengths, and keep defining and updating
your definition as you keep growing, you'll have a healthy sense of self. 

 

5) An ego that is ill-formed, under-developed, or distorted by
mis-understandings and mis-beliefs is an ego that is loud, boisterous, and
constantly getting in the way.  Without a solid sense of unconditional
value, your ego keeps getting in the way because you keep having to "prove"
yourself.  You constantly feel insecure and needing support and attention.
If your value, worth, and dignity is evaluated as "low" or "high" then it
goes up and/or down according to whatever criteria you're using to judge it:
looks, strength, money, degrees, who you know, status, car, house, brand
clothes, etc.

 

Now whatever you do, your ego is always likely to get in the way-because you
are using your clothes, status, degrees, money, position, etc. to prove
yourself.  This undermines your leadership, your ability to connect with
people, and everything.  If you're a public speaker, you make it about you,
about your image, intelligence, charm, not your audience.  If you are a
coach, you make the experience about your success with the client.  If you
are a CEO, entrepreneur, business person, you make things about what your
success or money not the value that you add.  In all of these instances, the
ego is in the way.

 

6) Ego-investments is the way the ego gets in the way.  It all begins
normally as we expland our sene of self by brining things inside our
ego-boundaries.  We do this when we define some idea, belief, way of doing
something, possession, status, or whatever as "ours" and invest ourselves in
it by identifying with it ("my house," "my wife," "my lover," "my child,"
"my project," "my job," etc.).  This is normal but dangerous.  It is
dangerous because it is a small step to over-identifying.  Then you get your
ego in the way and interfere with your growth.

 

7) To get the ego out of the way requires developing a healthy sense of
self.  You are unconditionally valuable just because you're a human being
and simultaneously wonderfully fallible and mortal!  By asserting that your
dignity and lovability is a given, you don't have to prove anything, but you
get to express everything.  You have incredible potentials within to unleash
(but not the "new age" idea of "unlimited" potentials!).  You are a limited
human being.  You have a fallible brain, heart, and body.  It is not
eternal, it is made of flesh-and-blood.  You are from dust to dust.  And you
are also made of the star-dust of the universe.

 

Fully accepting, appreciating, and standing in awe of yourself as a human
being gets the ego out of the way.  That's why we begin on Day 1 of APG with
meta-stating self pattern (and it is in several of the books, Secrets of
Personal Mastery for example).  When you meta-state your doing self with
appreciation, you focus on what you can do and contribute.  When you
meta-state your overall self with acceptance, you embrace life as it is and
the cards dealt you.  And when you meta-state your being self with awe or
esteem, you settle the question of your value.

We say in Neuro-Semantics: It takes a lot of self-esteem to be humble and
modest.  This frees you from having to prove yourself or to become a
somebody.  You begin with the declaration that you are a Somebody, and now
you get to find and express your somebody-ness!  This is what we do in Day 1
of "The Ultimate Self-Actualization Workshop" as we focus on becoming
"Meaningful to the Core."  Do that and you become free.  You become free to
explore, to experiment, to make creative mistakes, and to kick up your heels
in a joyful ecstasy of your right to be human.

 

Now, go experience the full unleashing of an ego set free from needing to be
right!

 

 

 

 

 

Colorado Trainings in 2009

            If you're interested in the Meta-Coaching series of trainings
for the United States in June 2009, contact me at meta at onlinecol.com 

            NSTT is still a possibility for August 2009, but if you're
interested, we do need to hear from you.

 

L.  Michael Hall, Ph.D.

International Society of Neuro-Semantics

Meta-Coach Training System

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO.  81520 USA

1 970-523-7877

1 970-523-5790 fax

      <http://www.neurosemantics.com/> www.neurosemantics.com 

       <http://www.neuro-semantics-trainings.com/>
www.neuro-semantics-trainings.com 

       <http://www.self-actualizing.org/> www.self-actualizing.org

       <http://www.meta-coaching.org/> www.meta-coaching.org

       <http://www.ns-video.com/> www.ns-video.com 

 

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Hall are sent out every Monday and meta-Coach Reflections sent out every
Wednesdday to the Meta-Coaches egroup.

 

 

 

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