[Neurons] 2023 Neurons #8 THE ART OF THINKING THROUGH YOUR EXPERIENCES

[Michael Hall]

From: L. Michael Hall

2023 Neurons #8

February 13, 2023

Experience Series #5

 

THE ART OF THINKING THROUGH

YOUR EXPERIENCES

 

If there is a tendency to jump to stupid conclusions when you suffer an
undesired experience, then part of the cure is the art of thinking through
your experience.  In that way, you can take the time and trouble to fully
consider what the experience was and what meaning you can give it.  I
mentioned this in the last post.  I also mentioned the Meta-Model as a way
to gather more precise and specific information.  From that I received
several questions about how to do that.  So here goes.

 

What do the questions of the Meta-Model actually do?  They enable you to
index the details and the context of an experience.  This means that you
extensionalize the words that a person uses in describing an experience so
that you get empirical, sensory-based information about it.  You index the
time, the place, the person or persons, the context, and the processes
involved.  For example, imagine that someone says the following:

"Relationships are hard.  They are especially hard if there's any conflict
because then there will be bitter feelings and lots of anger, and people
just don't handle anger well at all.  It's better to just keep your mouth
shut and not bring up anything that creates conflict.  Then at least, you
can get along."

 

What is the experience being referred to here?  Relationships.  But whose
relationship?  Don't know.  So ask, "When you say 'relationships,' who are
you talking about?"  If you get, "Well, you know, relationships in general,"
then again, keep indexing the referent.   "Is there someone that you find it
hard to relate to?   Yes?  Who?"  That indexes the person.

 

Now index the time and place.  "When did you find it hard to relate to
Salina?  What was the situation?"  This helps to index the context.  Now you
can find out if this is typical or if it is unusual.  Even if it is typical,
you might want to ask about an exception, "Have you ever related to her in a
way that you found easy rather than hard?"

 

Next, find out about the context.  "What was going on that, for you, felt
hard and that led you to think you ought not bring up something that might
lead to a conflict?"  Was it a conversation about money, scheduling,
planning, options on where to go or what to eat, differences in how to
approach a problem, or what?  If there's one or more contexts that the
person finds hard, what is he or she actually doing that makes it hard?
What did you expect?  Were your expectations realistic or unrealistic?

 

We can also index skills.  Give that "relationships" entails relating,
communicating, understanding, seeking to understand, caring, exploring,
accepting, etc., we might ask, "What are your skills for effectively
relating to Salena?"  "What skills are missing that you might want to use?"
"What are some of her skills?"  "How do you generally go about talking about
differences so that you are not 'conflicting,' but just seeking to
understand each other?"  "What conflict resolution skills might you need?"

 

You could index each person's states.  "By the way, what state do you get
into when you think there's a conflict or differences?"  "Is that the best
state for you at that point?"  "What state does the other person get into?"
"Do you help each other to bring out the best in each other or do you hinder
by triggering the other person to become more defensive?"

 

All of this is what is meant by thinking through an experience.  In the end
you discover the difference between the many facets of what occurs and the
meanings that you give to each of those occurrences.  In and of themselves,
experiences have no meaning.  You, as the meaning-maker are the one who
attributes meaning.   So if an experience is personally difficult or painful
-the likelihood is that it is your meanings which make it so.  Your meanings
are the primary culprit.  Change them, and the experience changes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

ISNS Executive Director

P.O. Box 8

Clifton Colorado 81520 USA

(970) 523-7877

drhall at acsol.net  



 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <https://pairlist8.pair.net/pipermail/neurons/attachments/20230212/1f07b6b2/attachment-0001.htm>
-------------- next part --------------
A non-text attachment was scrubbed...
Name: image001.wmz
Type: application/x-ms-wmz
Size: 284914 bytes
Desc: not available
URL: <https://pairlist8.pair.net/pipermail/neurons/attachments/20230212/1f07b6b2/attachment-0001.wmz>
-------------- next part --------------
A non-text attachment was scrubbed...
Name: image002.png
Type: image/png
Size: 96534 bytes
Desc: not available
URL: <https://pairlist8.pair.net/pipermail/neurons/attachments/20230212/1f07b6b2/attachment-0001.png>
-------------- next part --------------
A non-text attachment was scrubbed...
Name: oledata.mso
Type: application/octet-stream
Size: 1618211 bytes
Desc: not available
URL: <https://pairlist8.pair.net/pipermail/neurons/attachments/20230212/1f07b6b2/attachment-0001.obj>