[Neurons] 2022 Neurons #2 DISTINGUISHING SELF-ESTEE AND SELF-CONFIDENCE

[Michael Hall]

From: L. Michael Hall

2022 Neurons #2

January 10, 2022

Distinctions #2

 

DISTINGUISHING

SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-CONFIDENCE

 

 

To think with clarity and precision is to make critical
distinctions-distinctions that provide essential maps if we're to experience
well-being and sanity.  To that end, there is no distinction more critical
than the one between self-esteem and self-confidence.  Fail to make this
distinction, and you will construct an internal "sense of self" which will
put your sense of worth and value "on the line" undermining your mental
sanity and physical well-being.  It's that crucial.  Fail to make this
distinction and it makes you extremely vulnerable to the outside world. 

 

What is this distinction?  It is actually a very simple one to understand,
much harder to integrate and live.  It is the distinction between yourself
as a person and what you can do-your behaviors.  Conceptually this is also
an obvious one that doesn't take much to point it out.

           What you do is an expression of you.  It is your behavior that
we can see as you act or hear as you speak or even as you use your body to
gesture or move.

           Who you are is your person, your identity, your inner self, your
soul.  It is that inner essence of your sentient being who acts.

 

When you were an infant, this distinction was crystal clear.  You, as a
person, was considered valuable and worthwhile unconditionally.  Why?
Mostly because you could not do a thing!  You could not talk, walk, pay the
rent, carry on a decent conversation, pick up after yourself, etc.  You
could not even focus your eyes, roll over, or effectively communicate what
you needed.  In spite of being completely ignorant and incompetent- you were
precious, lovable, and of immense value.  We did not rate you, measure you,
gauge you by your behaviors.

 

Then began the great confusion.  As you learned to do things, and you grew
in your confidence about what you could do, we began linking the two.  "If
you can do X, you can feel good about doing X, and good about yourself.
This proves you are worthwhile."  Today this shows up in every article and
book that recommends that you "raise your self-esteem by improving your
skills."  "For greater self-esteem, buy A, wear B, drive C, etc."  The
message is "You are what you have."  "You are what you do."

 

Now in Neuro-Semantics, we address this confusion and misunderstand in the
morning of Day One when we teach the Meta-States Model.  The second pattern
leads a person to create three meta-states: self-acceptance and
self-appreciation for what you have in terms of talents and dispositions
which lead to what you can do.  Then we introduce self-esteem for what you
are in your inner person.  We emphasize that self-confidence is conditional
upon competence.  If you can do something, you can feel confidence in
yourself that you can pull it off.  Self-esteem, however, is unconditional
and not based on anything.  That's why it is irrational to use the modifiers
"low" or "high" for self-esteem.  It cannot be low or high since it is an
unconditional given.  It just is.  That's why the verb "esteem" (to
appraise) is a judgment that you make about yourself, not a feeling.

 

None of this is rocket science and numerous people in the Human Potential
Movement from Rogers to Maslow to Nathaniel Brandon (The Psychology of
Self-Esteem) and others have written extensively about this for years.  I
first put it in writing in 1985 in my book on Emotions.   Here is a chart I
put in that book:

 

So I found it really disturbing to find this very confusion in the 2020 book
by Scott Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization.  While
most of that book is excellent, he really makes a terrible mess regarding
this distinction.

"The latest research suggests that a healthy self-esteem is an outcome of
genuine accomplishment and intimate connection with others...   As
psychologists Richard Ryan and Kirk Brown note, becoming too focused on
improving one's self-esteem is an indication that something has gone awfully
wrong in self-regulation and well-being.   . . .   What is a healthy
self-esteem?  Modern research has identified two distinct faces of healthy
self-esteem: self-worth and mastery." (p. 59)

 

Kaufman then gives six statements for each, self-worth and mastery.  His
"mastery" statements are all about self-confidence: "I am highly effective
at the things I do."  "I perform very well.."  "I deal well with
challenges."  The statements for self-worth are a mixture of emotional
statements, "I like myself," "I am comfortable with myself" and partial
self-esteem assertions.  

"Self-worth involves the evaluation of your overall sense of self: Are you a
fundamentally good person with social value in this world?" (p. 60) 

 

Talk about academic confusion, this is it!  An "overall sense of self" is
your self-image, not self-esteem.  And a "good person with social
value"-that's your social self, not your self-esteem.  It's hard to believe
that an otherwise intelligent writer could create this level of nonsensical
confusion, but he did.

 

Don't you love his over-generalized statements about research ("the latest
research" "modern research")?  This highlights the problem with any and
every so-called "research" that starts off with sloppy and vague
definitions.  Calling something "self-esteem" but essentially confusing it
with self-confidence about what you can do would result in the "research"
being complete invalid.  Whatever "facts" the so-called "research" found are
irrelevant because are based on inadequate definitions in the first place.
And worse of all, this misleads more people as it creates a fallacious
understanding about what self-esteem is.   Now you know why making this
distinction is so important for your sanity and well-being.

 

Distinguishing Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

Self-Confidence
Self-Esteem 

Based on your abilities              -             Based n innate human
value 

Earned and developed                               As a given, unearned     

Conditional: has conditions                      Unconditional: no
conditions

Temporal, transitory                                  Permanent, enduring 

Based on what you can do                        Based on an assertion 

Circumstantial                                            An quality of a
person

Sense of being effectiveness                     Sense of your essential
self     

What you do                                               Who you are 

 

For more: See The Crucible and the Fires of Change, chapter 7 "Unconditional
Positive Regard."

 

 




 

 

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

Executive Director, Neuro-Semantics

P.O. Box 8

Clifton CO. 81520 USA

www.neurosemantics.com 

 

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134324 NeuroSemantics Inside Out Front Cover

 

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