[Neurons] 2017 Neurons #7 Resistance: The Lck of Rapport

Sun Feb 5 22:52:10 EST 2017

From: L. Michael Hall

2017 "Neurons" #7

Feb. 6, 2017

Basic NLP Concepts #12

RESISTANCE-

THE LACK OF RAPPORT

When it comes to communication, leadership, management, even parenting-it is
most common, and very easy, to blame the other person when there is
resistance.  "He's a very resistant person!"  "She just doesn't take
feedback well."  We might even say that it is human nature to think that
where there is resistance, there is a stubborn, strong-willed, resistant
person.  And it seems all the easier to jump to this conclusion especially
if what you are presenting seems to you to be reasonable.

But NLP takes a different stance about this.  The basic NLP concept about
resistance is the presupposition- Resistance is the lack of rapport.

Do you find that shocking?  Then let's take the shock out of it in the
following way.  Think of resistance as feedback about the way you are
relating to the other person.  That is, just as "the meaning of your
communication is the result that you get" (the NLP concept we explored in
#8), when you get resistance, it makes sense-to the other person.  That
person is resisting whatever you are saying or imposing or expecting.  The
resistance speaks to what you are saying and perhaps how you are saying it. 

The power of this basic concept is that it puts you in control of the
situation with something that you can now do to make things better.  If
resistance is the lack of rapport, then work on connecting with the person,
on getting rapport, and on making it safe or safer to interact with you.  To
frame the resistance as solely and entirely as a problem of the other person
takes any chance of change out of your hands.

Now normally we read resistance as something that's bad.  "It's bad that
someone resists."  We often read it as failure or difficulty and throw up
our hands in resignation. We give up on the person.  We assume that the
other person cannot be influenced.  Yet these are premature evaluations.
Further, they lead to unuseful responses.  We then view resistance as a
trigger for feeling bad and then fail to develop the skills necessary to
effectively work with the resistance.  Frame it in this way, then that's the
results.

NLP reframes all of that.  When yu reframe resistance as the lack of rapport
shifts responsibility back to us.  Now it is a function of how we handle
things and relate to the person.  This frame empowers you to re-establish
rapport even with the grouchy, the grumpy, the out-of-sorts, and the hurting
person.  It enables you to continue communicating even in the face of anger
and sarcasm without taking it personal.  It keeps you matching the person's
internal reality and finding the words that correspond to what's happening
inside the other person.

With this concept, you focus on rapport building rather than on resistance
as the problem.  It focuses your attention on what you are doing that's
connecting or disconnecting with the person.  Rapport also reminds us that
before agreement comes understanding and that when a person does not feel
understood, they will naturally resist our influence.  Here's some good
news.  Focusing on understanding does not require that you agree, only that
you take the time to step into "second perceptual position" and see things
from the other person's point of view.  When you can do that accurately, you
can then speak about the other person's point of view with as much precision
and quality as the person himself.  And when you do that, you match the
person's internal awareness thereby enabling him to feel heard.

That can be absolutely magical.  That's partly because when a person feels
heard, she does not have to repeat herself.  In fact, when she hears her
point expressed accurately and fully by you, she will tend to relax.  Then
all of the motivation to keep speaking in order to be heard diminishes.
Your acknowledgment and summary lets her know that you have heard her.  To
follow that up, you can further ask, "Have I missed anything?  Do I have
that right?  That's your point?"

Even if you can't win the other's mind to the point where he agrees with
you, you have given the other person a great gift -understanding.  And if
there's anything that we all want, it is understanding.  Feeling understood
and feeling heard are great gifts and can be powerfully healing when there
are differences and conflict.  It is foundational for collaboration.

Once you frame resistance as signifying the lack of rapport, that frame
focuses your attention on the relationship between you and the person
resisting you.  It eliminates blame and replaces blame with curiosity.  Now
you can focus on what the person is resisting and why.  It frequently is not
what you think it is.  Do that and you'll re-establish rapport.

What a great NLP concept- resistance is the lack of rapport.  Now obviously,
this is not absolute.  As with all of these basic concepts, there are
exceptions.  But exceptions do not invalidate the basic principle.  That's
what these concepts are-basic guidelines for living, communicating, getting
along, etc.  Sure, resistance can arise from other sources.  That's not the
point of this basic NLP guideline.  The purpose of this guideline is to
direct our attention first to ourselves.  And that also is one of our
central themes in Neuro-Semantics- apply to self.

Want more?  Check our User's Manual of the Brain, Volumes I and II (the
basic practitioner and master practitioner courses). 

Get the newest book - Get Real: Unleashing Your Authenticity.

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L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

               Neuro-Semantics Executive Director 

               Neuro-Semantics International

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO. 81520 USA                             

               1 970-523-7877 

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