[Neurons] 2017 Neurons #4 Person and Behavior: Two Very Different Things

Mon Jan 23 09:03:00 EST 2017

From: L. Michael Hall

2017 "Neurons" #4

January 23, 2017

Basic NLP Concepts #11

PERSON AND BEHAVIOR:

Two Very Different Things

Here is another basic concept in NLP- People are not their behaviors.
Person and behavior are two very different things.   And given this
distinction, then a person is more and is different from his or her
behaviors.  These words "person" and "behavior" describe two very different
phenomena.

Without this distinction, we confuse a person with his behaviors and then
use his behaviors to define him.  Then, in our mind and our way of treating
that person, "She is her behaviors."  As a non-thinking and self-blinding
response, now we have a short-cut for classifying people.  Instead of
treating them with respect and honor for the wonder and mystery of who they
are, we can quickly label them and put them in a box and not have to think
very hard about them.

"Oh, he's an alcoholic!  Don't ask him to take responsibility!"

"She's a big mouth who can't shut up, always gossiping and spreading
rumors!"

"He's the CEO and very wealthy so he must know what he's doing."

"She's very charming and beautiful, she won a beauty contest some years
ago."

Defining people in terms of their behavior, confusing people with their
behavior, labeling people as if one set of behaviors completely defines
them, seeing people only in terms of what they do, thinking that behavior
also necessarily corresponds to other qualities- these are ways in which we
are not distinguishing person from behavior.  And it can be a fatal mistake
in relationships and in our general success in life.

Separating person from behavior in NLP enables us to frame and reframe.
That's because if we start with framing people using their behaviors then we
are equating who a person is, her identity with certain actions that she
produces at a certain time.  And if that dismisses her or relegates her to
some position so that we can easily ignore her, then we have engaged in some
very inhuman and de-personalizing actions ourselves.  We are not giving that
person a chance.  By recognizing the distinction, we have a new frame-this
person is capable of a whole range of behaviors and whatever she does is
only one expression of her.  There are many, many more.  She is much more
than any one behavior, in fact, she is much more than even the sum of all
her behaviors.

Given that "the meaning of your communication is the response you get"
(another basic NLP idea), then some of the most important information you
can get and pay attention to is a person's behavior. "What kind of work does
he do?"  "What's the quality of his behaviors in that realm?"  To gather
this kind of information simultaneously recognizes that he behaves but his
behavior does not define him.  It is one of his expressions.  It may express
his thinking, his values, style, state, context, and many other things.  But
it does not identify who he really is. 

By realizing that the particular behavior a person performs differs from
that person's ultimate identity, you can then expect and hope that in
another situation or another time that person may behave differently.  So
this distinction makes behavior contextual.  The behavior is relative to a
context.  Put her in another context and she will probably behave
differently, sometimes in a way that is drastically different.

We make a major mistake in our relationships whenever we equate a person's
identity or worth with a particular behavior.  Behavior is one thing.  The
person is another.  Behavior is one way that we express ourselves and given
that each of us have a full range of things that we say and do, we have a
wide range of behaviors.

When you make this person - behavior distinction you give people (including
you since you are a people!) a chance to change.  They can grow, they can
learn new things, they can develop new skills, they can put away childish
things, they can make intentional changes in the way they express
themselves.

We use this distinction in Neuro-Semantics to especially separate a person's
worth from their social worth or behavior worth or the worth of one of their
skills.  A person's worth as a human being is of unconditional value.  So we
encourage absolute esteeming of the person as a person, as a valued and
precious and loveable human being.  Then we distinguish that from what the
person can do.  When a person can do something and do it competently, we
call that self-confidence.  That is the confidence to trust that you can do
something.  It has nothing to do with your human value.  Behaviors are just
that- behaviors.  They come and go.  Their value is dependent on the context
and the quality of the behavior. 

You as a human being, however, are far more valuable and precious than what
you do.  You are more than a human doing, you are a human being.  Yet it is
surprising how so many people (perhaps most) unknowingly confuse these two
and therefore talk about their self-esteem being high or low.  Either way,
it's a sad commentary.  Either way the person is evaluating self on what he
can do or is doing, not on his being.  Either way the problem is the failure
to make this distinction.

Want a new year's resolution- Resolve to make this distinction.  It will
improve your relationship to yourself and then to others.  It will free you
from putting yourself in a box based on your behaviors.  It will free you to
try new things and when you do-to unleash potentials that you may not even
know that you have.

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

               Neuro-Semantics Executive Director 

               Neuro-Semantics International

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO. 81520 USA                             

               1 970-523-7877 

                    Dr. Hall's email:
<mailto:meta at acsol.net\hich\af31506\dbch\af31505\loch\f31506> meta at acsol.net

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