[Neurons] 2017 Neurons #1 Positive Intentions

[L. Michael Hall]

From: L. Michael Hall

2017 "Neurons" #1 (Year 10)

January 2, 2017

Basic NLP Concepts #7

 

 

POSITIVE INTENTIONS                          

 

The next basic NLP concepts deal with human nature and are stated in the
following forms:

Every behavior is useful in some context.

              Every behavior has a positive intention.

   

These basic statements about actions and activities provide a new,
different, and better way to look at and understand human behaviors.  The
first statement frame behaviors as attempts to do something that is useful
for the person and that in some context are useful.  The question would then
be, "Where would that behavior be useful?"  Where would raising your voice
and yelling be useful?  Maybe when a child is out of reach and stepping into
the street where a car is speeding by.  Where would taking a human life be
useful?  Perhaps when your and your family is being attacked.

 

In this reframing, context becomes the issue, rather than the behavior.  The
basic concept here is that every action, every behavior that one can do- as
a skill or competency- probably has some use somewhere.  The usefulness of
the behavior depends on context.  The right or wrong, good or evil, of the
behavior depends on the criteria that you use in a given context.  It is
right or wrong to what standard?  It is good or evil in view of what
objective?

 

This framing facilitates slowing down the judgment (evaluation) process so
that we don't outrightly condemn an action until we know the context.  Only
then can we apply the standards and criteria to a behavior to determine
whether it is effective or ineffective, whether it serves us or those we are
with.  This is even true of "good" behavior.  In some contexts, even good
behavior could be bad.  It could be bad for the situation and the persons.

 

>From this we can now conclude that behavior is just behavior.  Behaviors are
just actions (gestures, speech, interactions, etc.) and understandings their
value which relate to a context, standards (values), criteria, etc.  this
also frames behaviors as effects and even symptoms of context and state.
They do not define a person.  They are expressions of a person.

 

The second statement is more controversial.  It frames behavior coming from
a positive intention.  This does not say that every intention driving the
behavior is positive for those receiving the behavior.  Not at all.
Obviously, that is not so.  What it does assert is that people don't do
things for the purpose of being hurtful, stupid, hateful, etc.  When they do
hurtful, stupid, hateful, etc. behavior, they are trying to do something
that's of a positive intention for them.  I say "trying" because often- in
spite of the intention- it does not have that effect.

 

 

Consider this NLP concept that all behavior has a positive intention.  Now
intention here refers to what the person is attempting to do, his purpose,
agenda, and reason for doing whatever he is doing.  To say that his
intention is positive is to say that in taking action, he is trying to make
his life better.  He is attempting to solve a problem he is contronting in
order to meet his needs and feel that he is succeeding.

 

Now is that true?  Can we apply that to a range of human behaviors and check
it out?  As we do this, we have to remember another basic NLP concept:
People operate from their mental maps about things, not from reality.  "The
map is not the territory."  What they think is real (their mental map) can
be, and often is, very distorted, messed up, and wrong.   Then, being
cognitively wrong about something- their understanding of what something is,
how it works, what they should do, what would solve a problem, etc. can be
very fallacious.

 

Putting intention together now with fallible mental maps gives us an
explanation of how people's "positive intentions" can be so wrong and do so
much damage.  They intend well, but suffering from so many cognitive
distortions, cognitive biases, and errors in their thinking- no wonder they
do so many stupid, ridiculous, and hurtful things to themselves and others!
They are not "evil" in themselves, but they certainly do "evil" things.

 

When someone criticizes or undermines another person, the actions may be bad
and ugly, but maybe that's the best choice of behavior that person has in
his mental understanding of what to do.  He's trying to get control back in
his life and all he knows to do is hit back, get revenge, or slander the
other person's reputation.  When someone cheats, lies, steals, or even
kills, perhaps that is the best he can do given his level of learning and
level of skills.   And if the person is in a state of desperation, suffering
loss of self-respect, suffering the loss of loved ones, suffering the
insecurity of being unsafe and unprotected, or suffering the basics of
survival (lack of food, shelter, warmth, etc.)- then we really have a
problem.

 

Behind every behavior is a positive intention does not validate bad
behavior.  Bad behavior is bad behavior.  If someone's behavior is immoral,
unethical, or damaging, then we should say so, identify the standards we are
using to make that evaluation, and invite the person to correct the
behavior.  Doing this means we are separating person and behavior.  It means
we are recognizing two levels: the person and the behavior. They are not the
same.  You, like me, are more than your behavior!

 

Behind every behavior is a positive intention does not validate, accept, or
condone behavior that is hurtful and ugly.  What it does is enable us to
approach the person and deal with the person without personalizing the
behavior and seeing them as "just their behavior."  Paradoxically, by
separating person and behavior, we enable the person to more easily change
the behavior.  We can challenge the person to step up and produce higher
quality behavior that more honorably reflects his or her best.

 

Behind every behavior is a positive intention also enables us to coach
people to invent and create higher level positive behaviors.  This happens
all the time in Meta-Coaching.  Someone presents a behavior that they want
to change.  Rather than shaming them, embarrassing them, or judging them for
that behavior, we embrace it.  A paradox.  "Tell me, about that behavior,
what were you trying to do that was of value to you?"  Once we get the
answer, and it could be a very low-level positive intention, "I was trying
to get back at him for what he did to me."  So we ask for the positive
intention in that.  "That was important?  Why?"  "Because what he did was
not fair, I was trying to make things fair."  "And fairness is important to
you?  Why?"  "Well, because we are all equal, we are all human beings
and..."   In Meta-Coaching, we encourage asking the "why is that important?"
five to ten times.  And often, in the process, it enables the person to
begin to create a hierarchy of values that endows life with more
meaningfulness. 

 

When you interact with people, seek to discover the positive intent behind
the behaviors that you may not like.  Assume that it exists (or that the
person can create it), and then pursue it in your conversation.  The wonder
of this approach is that even if it did not exist previously, as you ask
about it, you invite that person to begin to create it.

 

For years I worked with the Department of Corrections here in the State of
Colorado.   In working with men who were coming out of the Federal
Penitentiary, those who had "a criminal mind," this approach even worked
with them.  It offered them hope so that they could separate their "evil"
deeds (criminal actions) from themselves as persons.  Seeking their positive
intention provided them a chance to believe in themselves- that they were
not "bad to the bone."  That they were not genetically flawed persons, but
they also could think of themselves with dignity and respect.  They are more
than their behaviors and can learn to do better- much better.  Now how is
this an inspiring message for the New Year!

 

 

   

 

See www.neurosemantics.com 

              For 2017 Calendar of events .

"Inside-Out Wealth" training to be conducted in Santa Cruz Ca. this year.


 

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

               Neuro-Semantics Executive Director 

               Neuro-Semantics International

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO. 81520 USA                             

               1 970-523-7877 

                    Dr. Hall's email:
<mailto:meta at acsol.net\hich\af31506\dbch\af31505\loch\f31506> meta at acsol.net


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