[Neurons] 2016 Neurons #32 Happily Resilient

Mon Jul 4 08:34:57 EDT 2016

From: L. Michael Hall

2016 "Neurons" Meta Reflections - #32

July 4, 2016

Resilience Series #14

HAPPILY RESILIENT

"... the happiest people do have their share of stresses, crises, and even
tragedies.  They may become just as distressed and emotional in such
circumstances as you or I, but their secret weapon is the poise and strength
they show in coping in the face of challenge." (p. 23)

"If we observe genuinely happy people, we shall find that they do not just
sit around being contented, they make things happen.  They pursue new
understandings, seek new achievements, and control their thoughts (p. 64)
Sonja Lyubomirsky (2008), The How of Happiness

In the first quotation above from the book, The How of Happiness, the author
offers a strange and paradoxical statement: "the happiest people ... have
their share of stresses, crises, and even tragedies."  Really?  So you could
have a tragedy and still live happily?  Crises and distresses could occur in
your life and you could still be content and joyful?  If that's the case,
then merely getting knocked down does not necessarily equate to misery.

The next statement is even more amazing: "their secret weapon is the poise
and strength they show in coping in the face of challenge."  That sounds
like resilience!  Somehow they have poise and strength when facing some
personal challenge in their lives.  This gives them a secret weapon.

The third statement reveals a bit of the how-to.  "They do not just sit
around being contented, they make things happen."   They are active, even
proactive. They take the initiative.  "They pursue new understandings, seek
new achievements, and control their thoughts..."  Now in this book which
focuses on happiness-what it is and how it works- there are also secrets
about resilience.  There's a reason for that-namely, the author focuses on
thinking and thinking patterns:

"It is a truism that how you think-about yourself, your world, and other
people-is more important to your happiness than the objective circumstances
of your life." (p. 88)

This is also true for resilience.   It's true for a great many other mental
attitudes as well.  What and how you think about things plays a critical
role in your experience.  In Neuro-Semantics we say, the meaning you give is
the experience you live.  No surprising then, the largest part of this book
on happiness is comprised of going through the thinking patterns which are
the variables for happiness. In examining them, they strike me as many of
the very items that put "bounce" into a person so that when you get
knocked-down, you bounce right back up and land on your feet.  Here are some
of those resilient thinking patterns.

Gratitude.  Research indicates that the person who is inclined to gratitude
is less likely to be depressed, anxious, lonely, envious or neurotic.
Gratitude first is about "counting your blessings."  This is about an
attitude of wonder, appreciation, and savoring what's precious.   Gratitude
can neutralize envy, hostility, worry, and irritation.  It enables the
ability to focus on the good things.

Optimism.  This capacity to look on the bright side of things enables you to
keep your dreams fresh and alive.  To do that, imagine or write out your
best possible vision of self and your future.  Create a bright and
compelling future.

Presence.  Ruminating over and over, over-thinking, obsessing-these are
thinking patterns that undermine happiness and resilience.  Emerson said,
"Finish each day and be done with it.   ... Tomorrow is a new day."
Kindness.  To act with kindness you have to access and live from compassion.
Conversely, if you focus on acts of nastiness, you will lower the quality of
your life by darkening your heart.

Caring.   Because we are social beings, connecting with others and belonging
is critical for our well-being.  Yet for every negative expression between
people, it takes a ratio of 5-to-1 positive expressions to keep the
relationship healthy.  Now because there are inevitable differences over
which we can conflict, the problem isn't conflicting per se, the problem is
not knowing how to engage in positive conflicting.  The problem is knowing
how to avoid toxic conflicting which John Gottman describes as criticizing,
impugning motives, showing contempt (sneering, demeaning), being defensive,
stonewalling, etc.

Coping Strategies.  Because there will always be frustrations and blocks in
life that evoke stress, it's critical to have strategies for effectively
dealing with these stresses. Coping comes first as it enables you to focus
on getting by.  But getting by is a very low objective.  Better is to aim to
not merely cope with things, but to master the stresses and problems so they
actually become sources of renewal.

Forgiving.  Research further shows that people who forgive are less likely
to be depressed, hostile, anxious, bitter, resentful, or neurotic.  They are
more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and serene.   Mandela
provided an example by forgiving his jailers.  Later when he left prison he
said, "When I walked out of the gate I knew that if I continued to hate
these people, I was still in prison." 

Flow.  Engage in an activity for the sheer joy of it.  Make sure you are
fully in the present moment so that you access a state of intense
absorption.   When you are fully focused, you lose awareness of yourself,
others, time, the world.  They all go away and you are lost in that moment
in the engagement.  "To maintain flow, we continually have to test ourselves
in ever more challenging activities" says Csikszentmihalyi.

Savoring.  Live in the moment and savor all of life's joys.  Don't postpone
this by thinking that the best part will come sometime in the future.  Now
is the moment.  So savor each experience as a special moment.   Commitment
Goals.  Goals are important.  What is important aobut goals and goal setting
is the process of participating in an activity that's challenging and
valuable and meaningful to you.  When you do that, you live with a
purpose-you live "on purpose."  It makes your life much more meaningful.

It turns out that the way to happiness is the way to resilience.  That is,
when you adopt more of the thinking patterns that make for a joyful
attitude, you create the foundation for resilience.  Here's to you
experiencing a more joyful attitude!

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

               Neuro-Semantics Executive Director 

               Neuro-Semantics International

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO. 81520 USA                             

               1 970-523-7877 

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