[Neurons] 2015 "Neurons" Meta Reflections #44
L. Michael Hall
meta at acsol.net
Mon Oct 12 07:35:57 EDT 2015
From: L. Michael Hall
Meta Reflections #44
Oct. 12, 2015
Creating Response-Able Persons #8
SABOTAGING RESPONSIBILITY
BY COMPLAINING
To complain is to be human. Nothing unhuman about that. Find a human being
and there will always be complaining. It comes with citizenship. When you
are born human and grow up human, you learn to complain. To an extent, this
is good. Maslow talked about this in terms of grumbles. He noted that when
people get to the being-level of experience then your grumbles go meta.
They become meta-grumbles. I didn't invent that phrase, it comes straight
from Maslow's 1954 book. Meta-grumbles are grumbles about injustice, lack
of beauty, need for more accurate knowledge, need for more profound meaning
and meaningful- that kind of thing. It is not grumbling about money,
bickering about someone else getting a promotion, or fussing about having to
wait in line.
High level grumbles indicate that a person has moved to the being-level of
experience and beginning to live a self-actualizing life. By contrast, low
level grumbles typically indicate that you are still struggling to meet the
basic animal needs for survival, safety (stability), love and affection
(social needs), and self-needs (that you count and are a somebody). Yet
everything can be distorted and misused. So can grumbling. Complaining can
make a person's life go sour.
In fact, when you are complaining and not taking action, you are just
complaining. And with that, you are probably undermining, even sabotaging,
your personal power and responsibility. Because that's a pretty heavy
charge as well as a profound understanding of the relationship between being
a responsible person and a complainer- let's look deeper into it.
First, note the contrast. Response-ability, as the power or ability to
respond describes your actions when you are using your emotions to move you
to take effective action to make things better. Complaining, as talk to
someone else, assumes that you can't do anything, so you are trying to
enlist someone else to take effective action for something you care about.
Yet in reciting a verbal list of the things you don't like, don't prefer,
and want someone else to change -you are avoiding your own responsibilities.
And isn't that what children do? Isn't that an expression of powerlessness
and victimhood?
Shifting from taking actions and engaging in effective behaviors to just
talking about things and reciting lists of grumbles both expresses the lack
of power and deepens that lack. Think about this in terms of the following:
Complaining that you don't feel like getting up and going to
work.
Complaining that you aren't motivated to exercise.
Complaining that no one else you with a project.
Complaining about the food in the cafeteria.
Complaining that the temperature is too cold, too hot, not
enough fresh air, etc.
The funny thing is that some people feel good, nurture themselves, and/or
think that they are doing something constructive about a problem when they
complain. Imagine that! All you have to do is think about that for a few
seconds and recognize how silly that is. When someone recently complained
to me, I asked about his complaining. "Have you thought about doing
something about this problem?" They said, "I am. I'm telling you so you
can do something about it." Ah yes, you solve a problem that you have by
getting someone else to solve it! The problem was that he didn't like the
air conditioner being set on the temperature it was set on. Prior to that,
the setting of the temperature was explained to the group. But instead of
accepting that and grabbing a sweater or layering clothes-effective actions
he could have taken-he recited how cold he was to everyone who would listen.
Poor man!
Here then is a pseudo-grumble, an illegitimate complaint. Here the
dissatisfaction may be real, but in the final analysis, it is just a
dissatisfaction that is better accepted with grace and magnanimity. After
all, there's lots of things in life that can irritate, annoy, and piss you
off which aren't worth rally a campaign against. Sure, you have to wait in
line. Yes, sometimes the temperature in a room isn't to your liking.
Someone uses a word that you don't care for. In fact, if you are looking
for something to be dissatisfied about and complain about- there are plenty
of things. You'll find them everywhere! And if you develop a complaining
perceptual lens, you will increasingly find them.
What do you do with complainers? Is there somewhere you can go to get away
from them? Sadly, no. You're just going to have to learn to deal with
them! So rather than complain about the complainers, here are some ideas
about how to respond:
"Great!" (That will annoy them.) "What are you going to do
about it?"
"Sounds like you have a problem ... to solve. How will you do
that?"
"Sorry to hear that [empathy], do you need me to coach you for
accessing your resources so that you can either accept it, be gracious about
it, or learn to reframe it?"
What do you do when the person you have to live with as a complainer is you?
That's more challenging. At least with an external complainer, you can
leave. But you can't do that with the internal complainer! Now you have to
go to bed every night with that complainer!
Access the states of observation and acceptance and reduce the
amount of complaints you create.
Access appreciation and see if you can find three values in
every complain you create.
Gauge the misery level that complaining creates for you so you
sense the price you are paying for complaining your way through life.
Imagine being in the presence of a truly Great Person, someone
you stand in awe of, and notice how the tendency to complain melts away.
Recognize that complaining is what undeveloped and irresponsible
children do and give yourself a big kick in the ass when you even think
about complaining.
Find a Meta-Coach or a Neuro-Semantic Trainer so you can create
some great meanings for the irritations of life.
L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.
Neuro-Semantics Executive Director
Neuro-Semantics International
P.O. Box 8
Clifton, CO. 81520 USA
1 970-523-7877
Dr. Hall's email:
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