[Neurons] Training Mastery Series #4

[Colin Cox]

Releasing Control 

By: Colin Cox

 

Training Mastery Series: Section 4

 

To date I have set a platform in writing the previous 3 sections from a
total series of 21 articles on Training Mastery which I presenting
exclusively to this forum. The previous articles have been presented
deliberately to lay the foundation for this the 4th in the series which will
be, from my own experience, will be your greatest challenge in pursuit of
Mastery as a Trainer. Applying what I present to you here will provide you
with the challenge of “
how do I introduce this to my training?
” and I hope
that you would be willing to make the adjustments necessary to do so.

By the title alone you can tell this article has to do with releasing
control. Specifically it has to do with you releasing “external” control.
This article is an adaptation of 2 specific writers Dr. William Glassers’
work and his book Choice Theory and Dr. L. Michael Halls’ Neuro Semantic
model the 4 Personal Power Zones as presented in his book titled Secrets of
Personal Mastery. 

 

I will present to you how external control is present in our personal lives
and outline the behaviours of external control so you can tell when you have
fallen into, what I consider one of the most basic needs of human kind, to
have or gain control. Then I will present how external control is portrayed
in the training room and in a later article provide you with tips on what
you can do to minimise it and in doing so further enhance the learning
experience for your participants while increasing your effectiveness as a
Trainer.

 

 I have much to say about this topic and can only present a limited view of
the consequences of external control in our lives. I’ve committed an entire
chapter to it in my upcoming book titled “Hindsight” so keep an eye out for
it in the earlier part of 2008.


It’s Everywhere!


Whether, you’re at the supermarket or walking in the park. Talking to a
loved one on the phone or checking in at a motel. If you’re at a local bar
drinking Jack Daniels or stuck in rush hour traffic on the way home after a
busy day or sipping on a hot chocolate at your local café. You’ll find
external control alive and well doing what only external control can do, and
you’ll most often find it where ever you’ll find people interacting. 

 

External control is our attempt to take control of other people. To get them
to behave a certain way, to speak a certain way, and more often than not
it’s to be “my way”. To get others to think like I want them to and to say
what I want them to say. This is what external control is about – control
over others. External control starts out as a seemingly safe practice. As
parents we tell our children what they will and what they will not do. What
they will and will not wear and how they will or will not speak, as we raise
them from childhood to adolescence in the hope they will become successful
adults.

 

External control is seductive from the basis that we soon realise as grow in
age that we can gain power over others and therefore get more of whatever it
is we want in life. Early in life as a child we realise that we can make
others cry, be sad or happy by what we do and say to them. That we can
control others by how we interact with them soon becomes a power tool to get
what we want without realising that this power has negative consequences in
a lesser or greater degree for all who use it. As we mature in years we
become more creative in how we gain control over others and a long list of
observable behaviours can be listed like the one that follows.


External Control Symptoms


 

Nagging

 

Guilting

 

Threatening

 

Bullying


Making others wrong

Depressing

Anger

Hatred


Ignoring

Demeaning

Criticising 

Fault finding


Unforgiveness

Yelling

Ostracising

Sulking


Resentment

Violence

Lying

Suicidal Threats

 

These are only a few observable behaviours that demonstrate the presences of
an attempt to gain external control. It appears to me that we have no limit
in how creative we are at gaining control over others. We are in no way
limited to gaining control by only using the negative list above! We can
also use the more socially acceptable & deemed positive behaviours like
love; affection; gifts and friendship etc
 to gain control over others also.
This is often the case where we do something positive for another with the
expectation to receive pay back in kind or a favour, a loving comment or
action in return. Rather than giving for the sake of giving unconditionally
we give to gain control of others.


Intentional Stance


With the list of negative external control symptoms above it’s quite clear
that there is a desire to gain external control. Am I saying that the use of
socially acceptable behaviours are in all cases, an attempt to gain external
control? NO! What it comes down to is the highest intention of the person
who is acting out the act of kindness. If it is acted out as an
unconditional act of kindness with no recourse for payment in kind then
external control is not present. When you act supportively, considerately,
lovingly and forgivingly along with the many other positive behaviours that
positively grow and contribute to others, with no hint of payment in kind
you have freed yourself from the seduction of external control.


The Training Connection


OK, now let’s get down to training! Over the years I have seen, and in the
beginning I also had demonstrated, the behaviours of a trainer endeavouring
to gain external control in the learning environment. External control is in
my opinion at epidemic proportions worldwide in the training room. Trainers,
who have no idea that in releasing external control of the learner and in
building positive relationships with them, they actually accelerate learning
and radically improve the learning experience for both the trainer and
learner.

I have seen all too many examples of external control and all too often by
trainers who unknowingly have fallen into the trap of trying to overpower
the learner. Often they do it unknowingly. 

 


Mirror, Mirror On The Wall



The list I’m about to present to you could so easily be missed if you are
going to think that this is about everyone else and not you. What I’d like
you to do as you read it is to be aware of the emotional or somatic response
that presents itself as you read each of the bulleted points as though
looking at yourself in a mirror.

Here is a quick list of some but in no way all of the control behaviours I
have observed in training rooms.

 

Ø  Attempting to make the learner feel guilty about having to leave class
early

Ø  Nagging them that they haven’t completed tasks on time

Ø  Locked out of the training room if you arrive late

Ø  Told to sing, dance or whistle a tune if you arrive late

Ø  Made wrong in front of the group 

Ø  Ignored when wanting to ask a question

Ø  Told where to sit and how to behave in the class

Ø  The trainer has favourites in the group

Ø  Trainer demonstrates frustration with the group

Ø  Trainer raises their voice to speak over the person speaking at the time

Ø  Holding past negative experiences against the learner as a punishment

Ø  Trainer roles their eyes upward to demonstrate dislike for the learner

Ø  Diminutive comments about past learners to a current group of learners 

Ø  Punishments of varying types used to gain control of the group or
individual at times disguised as “fun” 

Ø  Rewards for continued good work and the removal of rewards when work is
not completed

Did you notice anything while looking in the mirror? Do you relate to some
of the points presented? I have deliberately refrained from writing the more
demeaning and punishing methods of control I have seen in a training room. 


Time For A Change


If you truly desire to be masterful as a trainer then you must move away
from external control. I know that I haven’t presented what you can replace
it with. I haven’t answered the questions and concerns that trainers have
asked me, when I speak to them about being free from the seduction of
training using control. 

If I have created more questions for you than answers – excellent! If I have
created an opportunity for you to step back from how you deliver your
trainings and ask “could it be true
 could I be using covert external
control methods in my training delivery
?” If that has happened and you’d be
willing to consider what it is you may be doing that’s controlling and what
you need to do to change, then this article on releasing control has served
its purpose.

Check as soon as possible how you are contributing to this training control
epidemic! 

How are you being seduced into battling for control over the learner?

In future modules I will present proven alternatives to external control for
trainers. Till then release control and let the learner regain personal
control and the joy of learning!

 

 


Ignition&logo100%

Colin Cox


Director Ignition


NS Master Trainer


 

( 027 4774 560


 <http://www.ignition.org.nz/> www.ignition.org.nz 

 

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/attachments/20071011/95e7d9bf/attachment.html>
-------------- next part --------------
A non-text attachment was scrubbed...
Name: not available
Type: image/jpeg
Size: 1907 bytes
Desc: not available
Url : <http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/attachments/20071011/95e7d9bf/attachment-0001.jpe>